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Divorce Sucks. I Know.

Thinking about divorce? Your life won't be the same on the other side, so consider a few things before making the decision.

Karen and I separated in August 2010; we were finally in November 2011. Being alone in the house we used to share is not the same. There are definitely things I miss about being married, and I want to share some of the pains of divorce that I have felt. My hope is that by opening my deepest, most sincere feelings I can help convince just one couple on the edge to give it another chance. It’s not always better on the other side, believe me. So, here are some of the things I miss:

  • Bacon. I used to love waking up to the smell of frying bacon on Sunday morning. I’d stumble downstairs to find Karen cooking bacon and these odd, pancake-shaped objects. I think they were wheat husk or the scraps leftover from Amish furniture workshops. These coaster-sized things shouldn’t be called pancakes, because there was nothing fluffy or enjoyable about them. But anyway, the bacon was always outstanding. She really knew the secret to cooking bacon—low and slow. I haven’t done anything low and slow since prom night (no offense, if you’re reading this), so cooking bacon for myself is out of the question. I have ruined more bacon than sneezes at a hotel breakfast buffet.
  • Blame. Just last week, I went to switch a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer. In the dryer, however, I discovered a load of damp, pungent sheets. I racked my brain trying to remember the last time I had done laundry, and I came up blank. I had estimated it to be at least 10 days, maybe a bit longer. Before the divorce, I would have been able to blame Karen for it, but, alas, I had to take full responsibility. I also tried to blame the pee overspray on her, but she never bought it. Now if anyone comes over, they will know it is mine. (I know what you’re thinking… why don’t you just clean the toilet? Yeah, right.)
  • Excuses. Now it’s going to be hard to get out of social engagements and other similar events without being able to use Karen as the excuse. “No, we can’t do dinner Friday night. Karen has a thing early Saturday morning.” “No, mom, I can’t come cut the grass for you. Karen caught me wearing her panties last night and grounded me for two weeks.”  “A school Christmas pageant? We’d love to come, but unfortunately, Karen is having all the forks sharpened that night.” Now I’ll have to lie or somehow work into the excuses. “I can’t make it. Cookies found the webcam that I installed in her litter box and she’s really mad at me.”
  • Shopping. One of the worst things I have to do now is all the grocery shopping. It involves many of the activities I hate the most. I have to think ahead and figure out what I’ll need in the days to come. I have to find a time that the grocery store isn’t packed. Then I have to interact with people, touch the handle of a grocery cart (possibly one of the nastiest things in the world), and do my best to avoid all the people who don’t understand the concept of “there are other people”. You know the type. Those who abandon their cart in the middle of the aisle while looking for something. Those who just stop and perform a ninja-quick 180 with their overflowing cart. The couponers. The ones with no control over their kids. Oh, the list goes on. The only benefit from being a was having my groceries delivered by Safeway. Man, what a treat. Shop online. Food shows up at your door. That was awesome.
  • Itches. There’s always that itch on your back that you can’t reach no matter how much you bend and twist your arms. That’s when an extra pair of hands comes in handy, but living alone, I have to get inventive. I have kitchen drawers full of things with long handles that no longer get used for cooking. You’ll be surprised at how one of those spaghetti forks really works. I do, however, recommend against the salad tongs as they tend to pinch. I’ve tried teaching Cookies to scratch my back, but she’s not into it. She prefers to receive.

If anyone out there is willing to come cook me some bacon, please let me know. Also, if you need an excuse partner, I’m open to working out a deal. I think there could be some mutual benefits there.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

John May 10, 2012 at 08:39 PM
Going into 15 years of marriage and my advice for men to stay married - "sure." It's a simple word - use it often. Before I argue, will it matter in a few years? No. I don't care what color the couch is. I don't care what pattern of silverware we have. I don't care where we vacation. A vacation is the absence of work. I'm not going to argue about the destination. Now...that being said, there are things that are hard to fix. Infidelity for one. Does my wife cheat? Dunno. I never ask:-)
Todd Breese May 11, 2012 at 02:11 PM
May 15th marks our 30th anniversary of blissful marriage...not. No, it has all been blissful but no journey worth traveling ever is. However that said, I can't ever imagine my life without Cindy. We have shared too much together especially our three GREAT kids and a life that has taken us all over the map...literally. We have a lifetime of memories, mainly good ones but some bad. But even after 30 years it's still a work in progress especially on my end. If the foundation of marriage is in tact: integrity, honesty and trust, then everything else is just human nature.
Dawn May 11, 2012 at 03:37 PM
You know what else sucks? When you have an amazing girl, post divorce and you treat her like a piece of crap and cannot find it within yourself to man-up and communicate like an adult, instead choosing to toy with her emotions. If you can blog, you can communicate. Very disappointed in who you turned out to be and how you have treated my friend, repeatedly. Shut yourself in and think about other people's feelings for a little while!
THE CONSEQUENCES May 11, 2012 at 05:12 PM
Your blog refers to your ex-wife as more of your personal assistant than a partner. You miss the bacon and not having to buy the groceries? Is that all you took away from being married???? What about the security of her love and companionship? I don't know you, but the impression I'm left with is that your ex-wife is much better off being on her own. I wish the very best for her.
Jason Humm May 11, 2012 at 06:06 PM
I guess you missed the part about my wearing her panties. I miss being able to do that as well.
Jason Humm May 11, 2012 at 06:08 PM
Congrats to you both (John and Todd) for your long and successful marriages.
Lori May 12, 2012 at 01:50 PM
These comments seem way harsh for a piece that was most likely meant to be humor. Of course divorce sucks (I know first hand) but this was pretty damn funny :) Thanks for the chuckle Jason!
Jason Humm May 12, 2012 at 10:07 PM
Thanks for the comment!
"Someone" June 14, 2012 at 11:25 AM
Guilt Revisited: A new story If you really loved me, you would have If you needed me, you wouldn't have If you wanted to be my friend, then you should have But you didn't do any of that I got two different messages from your mouth and your actions And it's my fault for trusting the one telling me lies Selfish. Greedy. Manipulative. I hope you can look in the mirror and be happy with yourself Look into those eyes that cried so many times for me Smile at your girlfriend with those same lips that you used to kiss me Hold her with the same hands that wrote me so many love letters Talk to her with the same voice that told me so many lies Go forth and be happy, I hope you can do it Look back and forget, I wish I could do it One day, you'll have to face what you’ve done What you said could never happen You're better than this? I don't think so I bought what you were selling and now I pay the price In the end, I meant nothing to you And maybe that's the best thing you ever did for me
Tommy Warshaw III June 14, 2012 at 12:21 PM
Some people just take life way too seriously. I thought this was hilarious and well written Jason. The part about wearing her panties was hilarious. Scary...but hilarious. lol.
Roland Karl June 19, 2012 at 03:00 PM
no, I am looking for that which has been lost my friends and bacon is still possible.. you even know its secret... but Christmas is no more, Birthdays are gone, innocence is lost, your entire life is unravelled like a favourite woolly jumper caught on the Hawthorns as you carried on walking oblivious to the snags... and now your life is exposed as never before... and death? It's way easier, just grieve and lay flowers once in a while. Divorce? Oh.. she is still alive and now you have to meet and talk to this living corpse, zombie of your past: you have to send her money and agree on everything... pick up , return, dates for this, meetings for that... It's not really divorce, it's' forced together' without the love you once shared so freely and vowed to preserve. Good luck to you all, I hope you come out with as much to live for as possible. Find out who you really are without her and rebuild....
Roland Karl June 19, 2012 at 03:07 PM
Jason, if you throw a stone down a mineshaft.... if can fall to great depths... don't be surprised at some of the reactions to your article... divorce can be very dark place for some...
Lori July 10, 2012 at 04:48 PM
Ugh, the first thing that came to mind when reading this very sad comment is that chick from Wayne's Wolrd. "Hi Wayne!" As she crashes into that parked car. Stay away from bicycles JustAGirl! Also, your keyboard.
"Someone" July 17, 2012 at 03:16 PM
Jason Humm wrote these words when he put himself in a situation while still married to his wife (whom he discusses in this post). I just modified them a little bit to reflect the situation he put himself into with another person while he was still dating me for almost two years. He's got a habit of cheating, blogging, pretending like he did no wrong, and being a total coward. So while the words may be sad, so is the man who wrote them because he really doesn't care how much he hurts people. He just enjoys chasing girls and making them believe they are "soulmates". So, thanks for the comment Lori - now you know why I chose a keyboard.

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