Karen and I separated in August 2010; we were finally in November 2011. Being alone in the house we used to share is not the same. There are definitely things I miss about being married, and I want to share some of the pains of divorce that I have felt. My hope is that by opening my deepest, most sincere feelings I can help convince just one couple on the edge to give it another chance. It’s not always better on the other side, believe me. So, here are some of the things I miss:
- Bacon. I used to love waking up to the smell of frying bacon on Sunday morning. I’d stumble downstairs to find Karen cooking bacon and these odd, pancake-shaped objects. I think they were wheat husk or the scraps leftover from Amish furniture workshops. These coaster-sized things shouldn’t be called pancakes, because there was nothing fluffy or enjoyable about them. But anyway, the bacon was always outstanding. She really knew the secret to cooking bacon—low and slow. I haven’t done anything low and slow since prom night (no offense, if you’re reading this), so cooking bacon for myself is out of the question. I have ruined more bacon than sneezes at a hotel breakfast buffet.
- Blame. Just last week, I went to switch a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer. In the dryer, however, I discovered a load of damp, pungent sheets. I racked my brain trying to remember the last time I had done laundry, and I came up blank. I had estimated it to be at least 10 days, maybe a bit longer. Before the divorce, I would have been able to blame Karen for it, but, alas, I had to take full responsibility. I also tried to blame the pee overspray on her, but she never bought it. Now if anyone comes over, they will know it is mine. (I know what you’re thinking… why don’t you just clean the toilet? Yeah, right.)
- Excuses. Now it’s going to be hard to get out of social engagements and other similar events without being able to use Karen as the excuse. “No, we can’t do dinner Friday night. Karen has a thing early Saturday morning.” “No, mom, I can’t come cut the grass for you. Karen caught me wearing her panties last night and grounded me for two weeks.” “A school Christmas pageant? We’d love to come, but unfortunately, Karen is having all the forks sharpened that night.” Now I’ll have to lie or somehow work into the excuses. “I can’t make it. Cookies found the webcam that I installed in her litter box and she’s really mad at me.”
- Shopping. One of the worst things I have to do now is all the grocery shopping. It involves many of the activities I hate the most. I have to think ahead and figure out what I’ll need in the days to come. I have to find a time that the grocery store isn’t packed. Then I have to interact with people, touch the handle of a grocery cart (possibly one of the nastiest things in the world), and do my best to avoid all the people who don’t understand the concept of “there are other people”. You know the type. Those who abandon their cart in the middle of the aisle while looking for something. Those who just stop and perform a ninja-quick 180 with their overflowing cart. The couponers. The ones with no control over their kids. Oh, the list goes on. The only benefit from being a was having my groceries delivered by Safeway. Man, what a treat. Shop online. Food shows up at your door. That was awesome.
- Itches. There’s always that itch on your back that you can’t reach no matter how much you bend and twist your arms. That’s when an extra pair of hands comes in handy, but living alone, I have to get inventive. I have kitchen drawers full of things with long handles that no longer get used for cooking. You’ll be surprised at how one of those spaghetti forks really works. I do, however, recommend against the salad tongs as they tend to pinch. I’ve tried teaching Cookies to scratch my back, but she’s not into it. She prefers to receive.
If anyone out there is willing to come cook me some bacon, please let me know. Also, if you need an excuse partner, I’m open to working out a deal. I think there could be some mutual benefits there.